You can’t busy yourself out of boredom or amuse yourself out of it. Neither work nor constant entertainment provides a solution. Not for the king or for us. The problem we face is existential and spiritual, not situational. We cannot escape our own mind; it follows us wherever we go. We can’t outrun the treadmill. Our only hope at peace is to force ourselves to step off whenever we can. To learn again to be still.

 My on line version of the Real Academia Española defines suicide as:

(Voz formada a semejanza de homicidio, del lat. sui, de sí mismo, y caedĕre, matar).

 In short from Latin it translates as “killing yourself”.

 As my family fragments, and not having my Rosemary to share experiences, or to have someone with stability (she was stable) in my life I have in the last few months thought (just thought) of self-immolation.

A few days ago when I took my two cats Niño and Niña to the vet I was given some surprising good news. About a year and a half ago, a very thin Niño was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer of the intestines. He was prescribed a human cancer pill that I administer every other day and on the other day I give him an anti-inflammation pill. The vet, a very friendly, handsome and young Mexican, Miguel, told me that the prognosis was a maximum of 9 months. Now he believes that Niño’s cancer is in remission.

Because I am not an authentic crazy cat lady (I am a man after all) I believe that my cats communicate with me when they stare at me. Niño’s expression is akin to Rosemary’s. He is a paragon of stability. So when he stares at me he is telling me, “Alex do not die before I do. Who would take care of me and my sister Niña?”

My friend of many years, architect Abraham Rogatnick told me three months before he died. “I am not long for this world. I am glad.” He had pulled the plug on his prostate cancer. He was ready to die.

Now I see that my will to live has to persist for a while longer as Niño is absolutely right.

At the same time I think of what Chris Hayes wrote in his essay I will have to learn to step off the treadmill.

Trying to understand the concept of non-existence, of not feeling, of not being aware of one being alive is tough and fearsome. This is particular the case if like my Rosemary, I too believe that we will not see each other again. Like Astor Piazzolla's lovely composition, I, too believe in oblivion.

Niño’s face is there to reassure me that like Epicurus said, we should not fear death as death, itself is painless.