|My neighbour's dahlia - 21 September 2022|
The Spanish word desganado translates to listless. I prefer the Spanish term. Ganas is about wanting to do something. The preceding des renders it to not wanting to do something (or anything).
My friend John Lekich often used to tell me when I experienced something strange by telling me, “It is natural because it is spring (or he would add, summer, fall or winter).”
I believe my listlessness is not seasonal. It is part grief over my Rosemary’s death (why is that word now almost always replaced by that euphemistic passing?), my being 80, (that Oxford Comma) and losing friends and family almost every day. I want to call existential angst.
It is not clinical
depression. To begin with any counsellor I might go to would not know who Hegel
or Sartre was. My feeling these days is of finding little will to keep on. My friend, architect Abraham Rogatnick told me a year before he died, "I am not long for this world and I am glad for it."
When I started blogging in 2006 I remember my obsession to blog every day even when we travelled. I would go to internet cafes.
Now my desire to blog is not a pressing one. I postpone from one day to the next. I walk the cats, cook to feed myself. I make my food very spicy and my tea very strong. My sense of taste is fading.
I never thought I would ever say that I am not interested in women. I can no longer abide in seeing women in tight yoga pants. I would define this century as the “Age of Cleavage”. I am tired of that. I enjoy women in dresses.
One of my daughters some months ago warned me that if I fell for some woman not to give her everything I own. I was shocked as at my present age I am only interested in one woman and that is Rosemary. The thought of any other woman is anathema to me.
The affection I crave of my wife sharing our bed is partially satisfied by my two cats who compete to get as close as they can when I turn off the lights.
The meaning of the day (while being aware that I am WTD, waiting to die) is satisfied a tad by my plant scanning. I know that my 3000 scans mean nothing to most people but I love them and each time I scan a plant it is just like that first time back in one lazy and hot afternoon in August of 2002.
With very few exceptions, my ethical system is that I scan only the plants in my garden (which was our garden).
The scanograph illustrating this blog is an exception that I will try to justify.
Since it is already fall, dahlias are everywhere and social media is full of macro photographs of pristine and colourful specimens.
The dahlia here is a Greek neighbour’s. He is currently visiting his home country. I snipped it and scanned it. It is lovely because it is not perfect or pristine.
Not that it is all that comparable; my other scan here is of my Asahi Pentax S3 which I purchased used in Mexico City in 1962. It served me well even in Vancouver from1975 until 1980. It works perfectly and I adore the exposed brass.
Pentax and dahlia. Will my desgane be replaced by just a tad of enthusiasm?