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| Rosemary 1969 |
Tembleque, Desganado en Enclenque
No matter how I try to distract myself by feeding my cats, taking Niño for a walk, going on my bike to Jericho Beach, scanning my plants, writing my blogs and fiddling around in the garden I cannot get my Rosemary’s presence from my mind.
Everything in the house, with all those family portraits on the walls, all those Mexican curios that Rosemary and I bought when we lived Mexico City, take me to those moments that I know cannot return.
Every day I long for a phone call from one of my granddaughters. That does not happen. Rosemary and I did so much with them but somehow grandfathers in this century are simply old men.
One of my distractions is to throw stuff. As an example Rosemary kept envelopes with all our boarding passes, restaurant bills, etc from our many trips to Mexico, Argentina, Uruguay and to France, England and Italy. I threw them knowing nobody in my family would have any appreciation for what they represented.
I look at my roses in the garden and think of what Rosemary thought about this rose or that one.
It is impossible for me to watch a film noir on TCM because this was a happy event for us. With her gone I feel desganado. In Spanish to “tener ganas” is to “want to do…”Desganado is a sort of synonym for listless which means there is little I want to do without sharing it with someone.
I have angst and family problems and doubts about my continued existence. The only person I know I could compare notes with would have been Rosemary.
Today I figured it out. My 52 years with Rosemary are like a crease on a paper. Once the crease is there it cannot be undone.
Luckily that crease was for 52 years. That is something to treasure.
