Rosa 'William Shakespeare 2000' 4 September 2022

People considering suicide might show signs early on. Here’s what to watch for.

Headline In CNN article in my phone.I must admit I read it.

My Rosemary often in the last few years would tell me, “I don’t want to live.” I took this extremely seriously and for me this was no joke.

My suspicion about people taking their own lives began when my mother was suffering with deafness, a ringing in her ears and terrible vertigo as she had Vertigo Ménière. Sometime in 1970 a couple of years before she died she told me that although she believed in God she believed that He was detached. “I have lost my belief in the power of prayer.” I was speechless and did not know what to tell her. In our family she was nicknamed Sarah Bernhardt because of her drama moments. Hours before she died in 1972 she told me, “This time I am going to die.” Rosemary and I did not believe her.

I think that there are two kinds of suicide. There is the quick one aided by gun, poison or rope or the slower one in which one’s will to live thins.

I am in that second boat. I am kept alive because of two affectionate cats that demand my attention, give me affection and when they look at me I believe that they share my grief and desperation over the death of my Rosemary. Having lived with her for 52 years did not prepare me for living alone and not having her amazing stability. I believe she was the cement that kept our family a family.  I do not see any more Christmas dinners, buying a Christmas tree or hearing from my granddaughters. As my grandmother would have said, “Sos un cero a la izquierda’.

I do not worry about my two daughters as they are financially secure. The distraction of being surrounded by stuff is only a distraction. When I am dead the dumper will beckon. I have no worry or concern about my extensive photo files. I will not be able to worry in my soon to come oblivion.

But there are two distractions that keep me busy. One is that I feel that I have to keep writing my blogs with no concern if anybody reads them. It is paramount that I write and I am sure my father would have understood.

The second distraction is my plant scanning. Today the pickings were slim but I was saved by Rosa ‘William Shakespeare 2000’. I knew that previously I had written a blog about Jorge Luis Borges superb short essay on him. It is in this blog (link below) and it is in both Spanish and English. I do not believe that anybody has ever been more eloquent on the poet and playwright. I urge anybody how has arrived this far to read it.

Everything & Nothing - Jorge Luís Borges

Suffice for me to finish here and to put in plain language that while  my will to keep on has diminished there is no gun, poison or rope in my near future.