|Rosa 'Emily Carr' & Hosta 'Wheee!' 6 June 2023|
American photographer Garry Winogrand famously said, “I photograph to find out what something will look like photographed.”
At my ripe age of 80 Winogrand does provide me with a small reason for scanning my plants (over 3000 of them) and playing with my scanner as a table top camera.
In general when I place my plant scans or my photographs in social media I may get an emoji. And that’s it. This is not in the least comparable to getting magazine covers in that former century and having people tell me they liked them (in person).
It was satisfying to tell my Rosemary when she arrived from work that I had an assignment. I felt useful and I knew I was contributing to our household expenses.
financially independent (thanks to the acumen of my Rosemary), I have no
worries (and that does provide me with worry). I walk Niño around the block every day and I have my daily
breakfast in bed (Rosemary and I did this for 25 years and now without Rosemary) and read the hard copy NY Times. I never seem to know what day of the week it is now.
|Rosa 'Emily Carr' 4 June 2023|
But I have reached an existential borderline where I no longer feel useful and laughingly (but I mean it) I tell people that I am obsolete, redundant, retired & inconsequential, further adding that as soon as I find a country composer that will be the title of the tune.
People tell me that I have all those memories of Rosemary. I cannot explain that while I have them my grief still remains. Since she and I did not believe in an afterlife, we knew we would never meet again.
As hard it is for a human (me) to understand that “not being” is my eventual fate, part of me welcomes the idea of joining a not being (an oblivion) with Rosemary.
In the months of April and May I am busy snipping roses and hostas and scanning them. Most of the people I know are not in the least interested in them. What keeps my scanning obsession going is taking a Garry Winogrand and writing here that I enjoy the process of scanning, which involves arranging roses and hostas with leaves in some sort of artistic order. I have very good eyesight so I can remove dust from my scans. Time flies by and before I know it it is time to retire to bed in the company of Niño and Niña.
But every day brings this idea that I do not want to continue and hope that statistically speaking I will not be long for this world. I am not suicidal. I just have to wait.