|Rosemary & Lauren - Christmas 2007|
January 28 2022
At around 7:30 I give Niño and Niña their treats and I settle on the bed. Should I make myself a mug of tea? Should I have a slice of cheese or toast with apricot jam? These are the important decisions that I must make at my age of 79. Tomorrow Saturday I have nothing planned. I do not have to see anybody and as far as I know my phone will not ring.
|Niña & Niño January 28 2022|
I am beginning to wonder if writing a blog is enough to keep me going. In that last century women had to marry and mostly stay home. They could only be fulfilled (so they said) if they were married and had children. Nothing was said about the man’s life being fulfilled. He just had to be a successful engineer or doctor and bring home the bacon. About all that was said (mostly in jest), when a man would talk about his wife, “She is my better half.”
It has struck me tonight that at the very least that above statement acknowledges that the completion of an entity, a marriage, involves two halves. Two halves make one.
|Niña & Cortázar|
It is for this reason, that while my daughters say I must keep busy and find distractions, that by the end of each day, I know I cannot be fulfilled (keep that chin up) anymore because I am missing that half (and I need not add, better half as I know that).
Writing this blog and dealing with the menialities of the day with no financial worries, thanks to Rosemary, is simply not enough for me.
|Niño January 28 2022|
Is there any reason why I would set an alarm for 7 or 8 tomorrow? For what purpose would I get up?
My two cats stare at me and snuggle up to me. I know that if I do not wake up tomorrow (should I die in my sleep) neither of my daughters would be able to take care of them.
Is it enough to know one has to stay alive so as to comfort and take care of a pair of cats?
There may be another reason. Because I am a photographer
my house has portraits on all the walls and most of them are of the family. I stare
at them. While rummaging through some files I found an inkjet print. I had made
a small version of it to frame for my granddaughter Lauren. The one that I almost scanned
now is a copy that was not as good as the one Lauren received. I went in look
for the original. I suspected it was a Polaroid. It was. It was filed under
family photographs 2007. I have scanned it. Because I took the Polaroid with
Christmas lighting it is virtually impossible to colour correct to any
accuracy. That is not important.
There is something of their expressions. I took these Polaroids of everybody who was at our family Christmas dinner. But this one “sings”.
I must stay alive so I can keep taking these portraits even
if the occasion to do them is not a frequent one. And I must stay alive to take care of Niño and Niña.
It hits me every time I look at my portraits. They were alive. I cannot forget facing Liv Ullmann who told me, “Please don’t ask me to smile.”