|Hosta 'Halcyon' 14 July 2021|
Today I reread a blog I wrote about the death of my good friend Mark Budgen (see link below). Since I write this blog for myself and for strangers I have no concern on the opinions they may have on that particular blog. While I am no writer I believe that blog is a well-written glimpse into how my friend’s view on death, and my own are coinciding little by little.
With perfection diction he said, "I am dying."
Before my Rosemary died on December 9 she may have asked me what our plans were for the next day or the weekend. We could discuss the strategies of living without being too concerned with dark subjects like death. But we did plan and get good advice from the folks of our Kerrisdale Bank of Montreal on the making of a will. It was almost finished when she died.
Now I am worried about not having worries particularly financial
ones in which Rosemary fixed so that she and I would not have any. My daughters
are fine and will live one should I not be around in the future.
But the real existential thought I have most of the time is that I am waiting. What am I waiting for? It is easy to just say, “WTD or waiting to die.”
The only way to avoid thinking about this is to find refuge in distraction. One of them, a most pleasant one, is caring for my lovely cats that are ready to show me how they appreciate my care for them.
The other distraction is my present obsession in scanning the plants of the garden. Of late these are all about the elegan hosta flowers. I believe I am beyond doing them with the idea of making accurate botanical records of them, those that have persisted and those that are long gone. Of the scans of the plants no more I find comfort in the images I have of them. These are memories, that while I cannot touch, I do not have to imagine them. They are visual.
This new page of playing around and making several versions a the scan of a particular plant is one that immediately puts me into that thought that I have long wanted to avoid but I have been unable to exorcise. This is the question, “Am I an artist?” Are these scans, beyond being accurate images, works of art?
By the time I turn off the lights with Niño and Niña comfortably near me I find those two questions irrelevant. What counts is that the scanning is fun to fuss over and it keeps me distracted. Going through the garden to see what I can snip is part of the fun.
I avoid that persistent thought/question, “What am I waiting for?”