I Am A Surrogate CowMonday, May 10, 2010
Agriculture is responsible for an estimated 14 percent of the world's greenhouse. A significant portion of these emissions come from methane, which, in terms of its contribution to global warming, is 23 times more powerful than carbon dioxide. The U.S. Food and Agriculture Organization says that agricultural methane output could increase by 60 percent by 2030 [Source: Times Online] The world's 1.5 billion cows and billions of other grazing animals emit dozens of polluting gases, including lots of methane. Two-thirds of all ammonia comes from cows.
As my body slips into the almost here 70s my daughter Hilary, who is the wellness manager at Stong’s Supermarket has prescribed me with all kinds of “natural” medicines. Before anybody who reads this thinks, “She gets them all for free,” I must assert that Hilary pays for them with her own money and then reluctantly accepts payment from my wife Rosemary.
On that breakfast tray every morning I can spot at least 8 plastic containers. One of them, with krill oil gel capsules smells like a beache whale after a few days in the sun. To take these pills I have to go through the painful maneuver of lifting my hand to my mouth (arthritis kicks in and flexibility is all but nonexistent) and then washing them all down with the morning’s juice.
I am then instructed to take two additional glucosamine pills (it is supposed to oil the joints and the cartilage) at noon. In the evening I must swallow 6 MSMs.
Since this pill regimen began a couple of months ago I have noticed an increase in hot gas emissions. I am embarrassed to mention this as Rebecca has finally ended her scatological period where for at least two years she has made it evident, particularly in the closed quarters of our family vehicle, that the release of hot air is something awfully funny. I have done my best to try to teach her that a lady must control such impulses and learn to do it outside or at the very least in an un-sonorous manner.
We Skyped her a couple of days ago to her temporary home in Quebec City where she is embarking on an exchange program. Rosemary and Hilary where talking to her on the computer. To be funny I made some loud noises (with my mouth, but actually quite capable of using what my grandmother used to call from “the eye that cannot see.”)
Rebecca called me to tell me (I was most happy) that she had not had the opportunity to talk to me (she must miss me, perhaps?). I mentioned that I had made the noise and she acknowledged that she had heard it.
Looking at the MSM bottle with a little more detail I now know that I have become a surrogate cow. My trips at night to the gentleman’s room are more frequent now. And they have all to do with the fact that I still consider myself a gentleman. Rebecca would understand and Rosemary will perhaps never know.